Be better than you were yesterday

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/11-warning-signs-unhealthy-relationships-you-need-aware.html

 

I feel like I'm a walking cliché these days. Motivational sayings, reading nonsense articles.... ect.
But I guess that's my way of coping?

I do what I want:) But for reals, the link above....  cheesy BUT made me think pretty long and hard about where I was pre break up to where I am now....

For starters....

1. I was DEPRESSED. Like, didn't wanna get out the bed in the mornings, ate my feelings, didn't work out..... depressed.... SO UNHEALTHY!

2. I felt ugly, because, well I never got told I wasn't..... Kind of just put on the back burner, got looked at and was kind of just like oh hey want a high five for putting on makeup and brushing your hair?

3. I was FAKE. I felt the need to over compensate my less than glamorous life, and post happy pictures, posts of us and "COMPETE" with other couples that seemingly were more happy that I was... Social media was sucking the life out of me.

4. My need for "nice things" was overwhelming... again to keep in competition with others that had more money and things than we did....

5. I lost myself along the way..... I didn't take enjoyment in the littlest of things....

Seriously, I was that miserable of a human? It makes me really sad looking back.... I had a huge problem. It's really hard for me to even share this much vulnerability with anybody.... but take it for what it's worth. And by NO means am I blaming my ex or anybody else for any of these things... They were my problems and mine solely.

But now.... I have been humbled by my experience.... Sometimes one has to work on themselves and be happy themselves before they can be happy with another... So we (half assed) tried it out, therapy.... I got some professional help at a doctor.... tried fixing the sad, angry, depressed me..... It didn't last more than 2 weeks before divorce was definite.
So here I am continuing to work on me.... myself... and I. It's been a struggle. But it's a promising thing to feel like I will be coming out on top, a better more self sufficient, happier individual.

 

I have found....

1. I still am not a morning person.... BUT I do enjoy waking up in the morning and realizing that each day is a new day to be better.

2. My beauty DOES NOT lie in the eyes of a man or anybody else. I don't need re assured that I look good... because I feel better than I ever have, look better and actually get ready every single day. If I feel the need to take a selfie because I feel like I look amazing... damn right I will do it. I don't care what you think! :)

3. I don't need to post things to stay in competition... I don't have anybody to be in competition with... except the person I was yesterday. The people that read my posts  the people I share my feelings with..... they know, they understand my trials I have them... I struggle, I cry,.... but I'm getting better. I choose to share these things with the people I care about and consider "friends"

4. Material things, this is totally not relevant anymore, its humbling actually, to realize it's not about your nice house, car, or how much money you make.... It's about what you make out of what you have.... Total truth moment..... I wanted to cry a month ago when I bought "non brand" jeans for the first time in years and now I laugh because I realized that I had become that sort of materialistic person...... what a sad way to be!!

5. I enjoy everything..... I enjoy the moments I have with Kon, only having him half the time makes you realize you better enjoy the time you have. (It's made both of us better parents if you want to know the honest truth... we both have to spend quality time with him so he is constantly reminded of how much he truly is loved.)

Kon's smallest accomplishments make my heart swell I feel so blessed that I have this little boy to inspire me to be better every day.
I enjoy my family, my parents have been amazing supporters and I have become so close to all three of them the past 5 months!!!
I enjoy working, I enjoy having responsibilities
I enjoy being independent.
I have even started to enjoy my time to myself, my time to relax, or have a break down away from the spectacle of my child or family.

I find happiness when my friends are happy in big ways and small.  (I AM SO excited for one of my bestest friends that's having a baby boy this fall!) This is a big deal for me because (I am so embarrassed to admit this) usually when these things happened before I would be jealous of people around me...because they had things I wanted... babies, weddings, happiness.... (again with feeling the need to compete)

Becoming the person I have.... is a big journey for me. Letting go of my materialistic tendencies, my jealousy, my hatred of others, and my sole dependency of others for my happiness. Nobody is responsible for your happiness or unhappiness but yourself! If you don't like what you're doing, stop. If you don't like where you are at, move. Don't waste time on things that make you a bad person, don't waste time of day on negative energy.

That being said, I feel like I have come a long way.... Most people think it's stupid or annoying that I feel the need to post the things I do.... and that's okay this isn't for approval.... Just kind of like a progress report and if people that care about me and want to check in, great! It's also a reminder to people about the way we are, and the way we perceive others.
Trying to put things into perspective....  It's not our job to judge others. I'm learning that the hard way...I was an awful person, I judged I judged hard, I talked and gossiped and thought better of myself... Its making me a better more happier person now to realize that IS NOT the type of person I want to be! ... The bad things that you say about others says more about you than it does the person you're saying it about. Just something to think about....

 

"Don't ever be afraid to show people who you really are; because as long as you are happy with yourself, nobody else's opinion matters."

 

xoxo-  Ky