Be better than you were yesterday

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/11-warning-signs-unhealthy-relationships-you-need-aware.html

 

I feel like I'm a walking cliché these days. Motivational sayings, reading nonsense articles.... ect.
But I guess that's my way of coping?

I do what I want:) But for reals, the link above....  cheesy BUT made me think pretty long and hard about where I was pre break up to where I am now....

For starters....

1. I was DEPRESSED. Like, didn't wanna get out the bed in the mornings, ate my feelings, didn't work out..... depressed.... SO UNHEALTHY!

2. I felt ugly, because, well I never got told I wasn't..... Kind of just put on the back burner, got looked at and was kind of just like oh hey want a high five for putting on makeup and brushing your hair?

3. I was FAKE. I felt the need to over compensate my less than glamorous life, and post happy pictures, posts of us and "COMPETE" with other couples that seemingly were more happy that I was... Social media was sucking the life out of me.

4. My need for "nice things" was overwhelming... again to keep in competition with others that had more money and things than we did....

5. I lost myself along the way..... I didn't take enjoyment in the littlest of things....

Seriously, I was that miserable of a human? It makes me really sad looking back.... I had a huge problem. It's really hard for me to even share this much vulnerability with anybody.... but take it for what it's worth. And by NO means am I blaming my ex or anybody else for any of these things... They were my problems and mine solely.

But now.... I have been humbled by my experience.... Sometimes one has to work on themselves and be happy themselves before they can be happy with another... So we (half assed) tried it out, therapy.... I got some professional help at a doctor.... tried fixing the sad, angry, depressed me..... It didn't last more than 2 weeks before divorce was definite.
So here I am continuing to work on me.... myself... and I. It's been a struggle. But it's a promising thing to feel like I will be coming out on top, a better more self sufficient, happier individual.

 

I have found....

1. I still am not a morning person.... BUT I do enjoy waking up in the morning and realizing that each day is a new day to be better.

2. My beauty DOES NOT lie in the eyes of a man or anybody else. I don't need re assured that I look good... because I feel better than I ever have, look better and actually get ready every single day. If I feel the need to take a selfie because I feel like I look amazing... damn right I will do it. I don't care what you think! :)

3. I don't need to post things to stay in competition... I don't have anybody to be in competition with... except the person I was yesterday. The people that read my posts  the people I share my feelings with..... they know, they understand my trials I have them... I struggle, I cry,.... but I'm getting better. I choose to share these things with the people I care about and consider "friends"

4. Material things, this is totally not relevant anymore, its humbling actually, to realize it's not about your nice house, car, or how much money you make.... It's about what you make out of what you have.... Total truth moment..... I wanted to cry a month ago when I bought "non brand" jeans for the first time in years and now I laugh because I realized that I had become that sort of materialistic person...... what a sad way to be!!

5. I enjoy everything..... I enjoy the moments I have with Kon, only having him half the time makes you realize you better enjoy the time you have. (It's made both of us better parents if you want to know the honest truth... we both have to spend quality time with him so he is constantly reminded of how much he truly is loved.)

Kon's smallest accomplishments make my heart swell I feel so blessed that I have this little boy to inspire me to be better every day.
I enjoy my family, my parents have been amazing supporters and I have become so close to all three of them the past 5 months!!!
I enjoy working, I enjoy having responsibilities
I enjoy being independent.
I have even started to enjoy my time to myself, my time to relax, or have a break down away from the spectacle of my child or family.

I find happiness when my friends are happy in big ways and small.  (I AM SO excited for one of my bestest friends that's having a baby boy this fall!) This is a big deal for me because (I am so embarrassed to admit this) usually when these things happened before I would be jealous of people around me...because they had things I wanted... babies, weddings, happiness.... (again with feeling the need to compete)

Becoming the person I have.... is a big journey for me. Letting go of my materialistic tendencies, my jealousy, my hatred of others, and my sole dependency of others for my happiness. Nobody is responsible for your happiness or unhappiness but yourself! If you don't like what you're doing, stop. If you don't like where you are at, move. Don't waste time on things that make you a bad person, don't waste time of day on negative energy.

That being said, I feel like I have come a long way.... Most people think it's stupid or annoying that I feel the need to post the things I do.... and that's okay this isn't for approval.... Just kind of like a progress report and if people that care about me and want to check in, great! It's also a reminder to people about the way we are, and the way we perceive others.
Trying to put things into perspective....  It's not our job to judge others. I'm learning that the hard way...I was an awful person, I judged I judged hard, I talked and gossiped and thought better of myself... Its making me a better more happier person now to realize that IS NOT the type of person I want to be! ... The bad things that you say about others says more about you than it does the person you're saying it about. Just something to think about....

 

"Don't ever be afraid to show people who you really are; because as long as you are happy with yourself, nobody else's opinion matters."

 

xoxo-  Ky

They know your name, not your story.

 

Death is an inevitable occurrence in peoples' lives.

There isn't anything you can do about it.... sometimes people live long happy and healthy lives, others are cut short.

Acceptance is the key factor in understanding your grief. acceptance that the loved one is gone, but yet never forgotten. Some people may hold onto treasured memories, prized possessions and photography that captures those memories. Holding onto those things can make one feel like a part of them will always be there and give comfort to ease your saddened thoughts.

But this post isn't about death..... it's about a different type of grief. Coping with the loss of a spouse through divorce.

This type of grief is so much more different. That person isn't really "gone" they are just removed from your day to day life. You still have the ability to run into them on the street and talk to them on the phone. In my opinion its harder. It's harder to see or hear that person at any moment. Your treasured memories are a gut wrenching feeling every time you look at them because you wonder, what happened to those happy people in the pictures..... and then you find yourself removing the pictures that have the two of you in them, including the ones of your family because you can't stand the thought of him staring at you from the picture frame when you wake up in the morning.... The grief settles in more so when you second guess your actions of divorce in the first place. Denial..... the fact that you try to justify that you didn't do all you could to, to "save" your marriage. Try to talk yourself into the fact that really things weren't as bad as you thought..... maybe just maybe it really was exactly like he says... "all your fault".... So if  you go through all of this sadness why is divorce even an option???  

 

NOPE. STOP IT. MOVE ON. BE HAPPY.

Holding onto those ideas doesn't make the pain go away.... they don't make things better.... When you get smacked back to reality from some inspirational quote you read about moving on and being independent or from sobbing uncontrollably to your mom 3 times a day.... It never changes the fact that there really was something wrong unable to be fixed. And instead be thankful that you can let something go and find true happiness.

 

Lately I have been brought down alot to the opinions of others. I lower my standards because of what others are saying of me... and it's not fair. This decision was not all mine regardless of how many people may talk that way..... nor was it only his. But its convenient that now a day's people are overly concerned about what I'm doing, where I'm at and who I am with. People like to make other peoples business their business..... I highly recommend those people obtaining a hobby...... But peoples concern of me isn't because the are truly that "concerned" about me.... So when this fact settles in that you honestly have to watch whom you open your heart and grief too, it really unsettles a person and makes them feel more alone than ever. My first reaction was to pack up my life and move away... but it wouldn't make my problems go away... and people will always have something to say regardless of how many miles away we are....

 

 

My advice to those of you going through any type of loss, or breakup.... Don't rely on others. You can vent and keep happy company and go ahead and have a glass of wine with  your girlfriends but always remember that your own happiness lies within yourself and not it some one's value of you. It was brought to my attention a while ago... that one should treat themselves as a 20 dollar bill.... 20 dollar bills may get torn, and dirty but when it is time to cash in your 20 dollar bill no matter how it may look on the outside, it still has that 20 dollar value. Your heart may get broken and you may look like hell in the midst of your messy bun and mascara down your face but you my darling will always be worth cashing in.

Find happiness and remember to search out the good in the worst situations.

Good Vibes

xoxo,

Ky

 

 

Best girl keep your head up; feel good breakup song. evvverr.