Tired mommy? The struggle is real.

>>real post.<< I AM NOT, (AM NOT!) a morning person. Life with a 4MO & 6YR I'd much rather spend 30 minutes sleeping or spend time with my awake babies more rather than infront of a mirror....

This attached picture at the bottom of this page.... is not what I look like today... I was (again) exausted and dragging ass to get ready to go anywhere on Saturday so I finally got some energy and wanted to really see how much a before and after difference I have... 1- fresh faced right after a shower- clean hair, cleansed and toned and moisterized faced & 2- a pre date selfie 100% ready--both in some real good natural lighting!

 

Anyway... I've never put a whole lot of effort to get ready... I sit in a office mostly by myself with an occasional employee or my boss that see's me.... and I really don't care if I scare any of them away... (sorry guys) I really used to be comfortable with my bare face and not getting ready because I didn't think I looked all that terrible without my hair and makeup done... but lately I've had a rollercoster of changes with my hair and skin really having a hard time adjusting after baby having.

* So here I am today 2 mugs of coffee in and feeling like total crap running on 5 hours of sleep... wanting to sob because I feel like a train wreck and look it to boot. So I am needing to give myself a little pep talk... and am gonna share it with the rest of you that want to hear it. *

 

SO, I will get to my point .... I have come to the conclusion that being exausted is pretty much a permanant thing for a while (I really did forget what its like after all my babies are 6 years apart) and that it really is okay to take time for yourself. I am slowly realizing that the extra 30 minutes really isnt gonna make a difference in my sleepyness- but taking 30 minutes of me time is really okay! No matter how much I have to force myself (gasp- take a quiet shower without my baby crying in his seat on the bathroom floor while I take a 5 minute hair wash) or 30 minutes to put on actual makeup (That costs alot of money to just sit and be unused) I already know that the time it does take to get a little more fancied up... makes me feel almost as good as a cup of coffee.

 

 Now I'm sitting here going good gracious KyAnn pull yourself together....thinking maybe I should of spent time getting ready this morning. If I wouldn't of been hitting the snooze button 3 times before my baby woke up, and then feeling bad that he was finally awake so I didn't put him down to play after breakfast and get myself ready .... maybe I wouldnt look and feel the way I do today.... BUT There's more to this all than before and after make up.... its just a little patt on the back saying life is a struggle for everyone in their own ways big or small... and I wanted to get one of my biggest struggles off my chest... I hate mornings and being tired. I literally feel like there is nothing I can do about it. But I know that if I would put in an effort I may not feel a whole lot less tired, but I would LOOK it... and feel a bit better about my appearance.

 

So here's to the mommas (and not mommas) that need a little pick me up to get you to feel better about your day.... you DO IT. You need 3 cups of coffee in the AM (and a glass of wine after work) DO IT. You need to do a 1 hour work out with them early birds that I'll never be??... DO IT! You need to throw on some make up and jam out to some good music??... DO IT! There is always time for yourself... Don't feel bad about it. Its okay to make yourself feel better and do something solely cuz YOU need it.

Have a good day my friends!

But really.... don't come see me at work today....

Pretty sure I'm about to get cast for the walking dead.... (do you think it pays better??) haha

 

 

xoxox-

Ky

 

P.S. Yes- I am aware that no amount of make up is covering up those forehead lines.... Thankyouverymuch.

Keeping up with KyAnn

Keeping up with KyAnn.....

 

Never ever did I ever think that I would be posting a blog inspired by a Kardashian interview.... hahah but here it goes :)

Last night before bed I was reading my trusty woman's handbook (aka- Cosmo)

which is quite sadly enough becoming a broken record.... I mean you can only put the same "mind blowing tips" 100 times before you say okay.... we get it... But its fun to read the stories and find cute make up, clothes and vacation ideas....

But thats besides the point... So here we have the Novemeber issue of Cosmo with the Kardasians on the cover....

 

 

As if we don't publicize them enough... So I was skeptical.... I mean I used to binge watch them when the show first started but then after awhile I got over them pretty quick.... They are kind of "over rated" But last night after reading the interviews they did of each of them... they shed light of how they feel about each other.... Everything they said was uplifting and empowering of each other.... Which is refreshing because we need people that support one another and make each other feel good....

The one that stuck out in my mind was Khloe on Kim...   The way that she paints her sister in such a good light..... made me feel inspired... She talked about how the media says shes stuck on her self and conceited and takes to many selfies....

You know? that's because she CAN. She is one of the most beautiful and highly publicized women in the world... the PEOPLE made her who she is.... She became mega famous and people wanted to follow her every move... but yet when she does exactly that..... LETS everyone follow her EVERY move.... now all of a sudden people think she is ridiculous and stupid? ( I was one of those people myself as I said in the beginning- they have gotten over rated)

But then I realized that we live in the world where we make everything OVERLY public..... we post selfies, we post our workout progress.... our meals.... our hopes, dreams and fears, we post our loves and our hobbies and things we like. We follow people we like, things that interest us and people that inspire us.... That is the way we have learned to live our lives... through social media.... I feel that I almost can carry on a conversation better through facebook, snap chat and texting then I can in person..... Sad right? Im sure Im not alone in this....regardless of how people want to admit this.... we HIDE behind our persona online.... we paint pictures of our glamorous, happy life....

you don't see many people posting pictures of them - fresh faced out of the shower without makeup- or when you are having a hard time with your spouse or disciplining your children.... you leave the negative stuff in your life to a minimum .. .... And if people are posting about a hard time in their life... .who are you to judge? Give them moral support.... BE KIND!

So what's the deal with the people that are constant criticizers???

The people that are on the other side of the fence.... the closet haters.... they do all those things themselves but then they have a hate parade on anybody else??? I don't really understand....  We all go through good and bad and in between and when we want to post something online it's because in some way shape or form it's important to us.... and we want to share it with the people we know.... But yet you still have the people who are like.... oh she posted a photo again about her weight loss or so and so is constantly posting selfies.... or so and so and their kids pictures are filling up my news feed..... or this person and their over concern about politics and their opinion seems to be the RIGHT opinion.... and then you proceed to say rude, negative comments about it.... WHY?

You want to know what I do when I see someone's post that I'm not really interested in? I just keep on scrolling..... if it's not something I care to much about... then I just leave it at that.... easy enough. Bashing people behind their backs isn't doing you any good? Trying to find a single flaw in someone else isn't making you feel better or making you a better person..... If I don't like someone, something or have a problem.... I can tell you this, it's not in my news feed. I don't surround myself with things that I could care less about.... and I respect the people that have different likes, interests and opinions than me... just because I don't care for one small thing that they say or post doesn't mean I have a right to bash them about it or that I have a problem with that person themselves.

I thought about a post I saw a while ago.... if girls would treat each other as they do when they meet other drunk girls in the bar bathroom... the world would be a much more positive place.... I laughed because its true.... having some liquid courage makes you apt to say what's on your mind and also makes you, yourself feel more confident. Loudly almost yelling to a stranger... OHHHH HEYY thats a cute outfit!! You're so pretty!!! as you stumble out the bathroom door ..... yuppp been there, done that.

But what is sad..... Is we shouldn't only treat each other nicely when we are 10 sheets to the wind.... we should just be KIND always. Women go through so much! And we all have so much to relate to and have common ground! So why are most girls in constant competition with others instead of being a proud grown woman who is happy to see another woman happy regardless of you being best friends, or mere acquaintances? 

So whether it be in person, publicly or over the world wide web.... we as women should be KIND to one another. So if you're a man, or woman alike... reading this post.... take my thought process into consideration.... Its something I've noticed and hear of happening in my life recently... and it made me take a long hard look at the people I surround myself with.... And like I've said in plenty of other posts before.... the people that are good people in my life.... THANK YOU.

 

To all my lady friends-

You is strong, you is beautiful, you is important. Make each and every day happy and healthy and full of KINDNESS.

"You can tell who the strong women are... they are the ones building each other up, instead of tearing each other down.' - Unknown.

With love

xoxox,

Ky

The hates, the likes and the loves of the future Mrs.

So, I haven't blogged in awhile.... and my posts usually pertain some kind of disgruntled form of my life that I have struggled to comes to term with the past year and a half....

But today.... I made a short post via FB that was something along the lines about ..... ELE... Everybody love Everybody! What's not to love? We all get up and get along on our way of life and try to make each and every day exactly what we want it to be. I grew up being told.... you can be whatever you want to be as long as you try....
WELL.... so I am on the course to becoming a ... non judgemental, hardworking, loving ...and (hot damn) goodlooking... person...  (haha) because , well, that's what I want to be.

Even though I took a few pit stops at.... crazy, lazy and bitchy along the way. ;)

 

So in case you missed it here it was:

To post or not to post...pictures of the rainbow, the white house, American flag or some quote from a lds church leader.... pretty sums up my news feed right about neow... and quite frankly I am just gonna say , to each their own. I support each and every cause... not because I'm PRO LGBT or PRO American or PRO LDS or any faith ....it's because I am ANTI hate. Just because the government gives another human being the same RIGHT as another human being that the church believes is a sin.... doesn't mean that the goverments decision is wrong ....and just because you stand by that belief of it being a sin and you don't do it....then well then I guess you have nothing to worry about when your time has come... but what someone else chooses to do...is really not your problem.... each party has extremists that are rude and direspectful and each party also has tollerance.

 So as for me, I am a (non member) Of LDS belief I value their lessons and structure - I am an American girl who loves her freedoms and I am Supportive of LGBT because I don't believe in hating somone who is different than me or chooses to make choices I in other words , wouldn't . But I do believe each person sins in their own way and nobody is perfect.... and everyone DESERVES happiness and love .

 Okay, I'm done..... ❤

 

I'm not one to really get into debates about political stuff .... and not because I don't care about the future of the country I live in... its because... I really have a hard time choosing a party... I literally am a on the fencer about most things.... In the way that.... just because I don't choose to physically do something because I don't want to do it.... doesn't mean that I believe another person who wants to do those things should have their rights taken away .... I'm not gonna go off and marry a chick, nor would I ever ever abort a child, nor would I want to have my gun rights taken away. BUT I also don't think that someone shouldnt beable to marry whoever they please, or if they don't want a child ( heaven forbid you use birthcontrol- or dont have sex) or because someone thinks guns are the root of all evil and violence.  THEN DONT DO THOSE THINGS. SIMPLE.

But don't try to sit here and say because those awful people do those things they should have their rights taken away... so someone else can tell them what to believe.... Anyway here I go starting a debate.... like I said I dont do...SO I WONT. AND IM NOT. I'm just clarifying MY beliefs -- and you can believe whatever you damn well please :)

 

SO besides what I believe and dont believe and .... I'm still OMG about Caitlyn Jenner... cuz quite frankly I still didn't see that one coming.

And I am kind of nervous about the next political campaign for president.... because I am still not sure one human can be large and in charge and change this country ... so whatevs.

 

I do kind of like this whole idea about what I LIKE and DONT LIKE.

So let's play a game.

Tell me 5 things you LOVE.

and 5 things you HATE!

(Besides the norm,  ..ie. being a mom and being happy and in love and all that kind of stuff because well DUH - you should love those things!! WHAT are the specifics?!)

 

LOVE:

When your shopping and you are basically cringing in line because you know your bank account is gonna be upset at you when you tally up this total of damage and then TADA the cashier is like oh its an extra %20 off of your purchase today & YES you can double up coupons still! -SCORE!

 

When you are at taco bell and you are just frantically hungry and go to check that they made sure to put EXTRA sauce in your bag.... and you end up with an EXTRA taco.... yep... total cheat day its okay you eat that taco girl!

 

4 day weekends ( I have 3 day weekends every week.... which I also love!)

 

When your 5 year old learns new things- Like how to spell a word, or add numbers ... or pee in the toilet with the seat up and aim correctly... yes that is a mom thing... I know I broke my own rules... but I'm a mom... and I love it... SUE me ;)

 

When  you realize you are getting MARRIED in 46 days!!!!

 

 

HATE:

When your bed was unconventionally uncomfortable when you tossed and turned all night but the minute your alarm goes off.... its the comfiest place this side of the Mississippi.

 

When you have a day off but you forgot to turn off your alarm clock

 

When you are stuck in traffic (or have a 20 minute drive home from Pocatello) and suddenly have to urgently take a poo....

 

When you are damn sick of the snow and just want SUMMMEEERRR but the summer is so scorching hot that you literally are melting like Olaf....

 

When all you want is to go sit at the fair and eat at all your favorite booths.... but remember its still like 4 months away, and damn it fatty you're on a diet!!!

 

 

Well thats that. I obviously like sleeping... and food... haha.

I just hope everyone has a fantastic day.

Like I said, -- to each their own.     #lovewins

 

xoxox,

 

Ky

Real, honest, true- Straight up.

I've been pondering this for a while..... and trying to figure out how to foot around the topic without people pointing fingers and assuming I'm talking about someone in specific and just acting dramatic.....

I'm not.... I'm just throwing out how I feel about it.... when it does happen,  so here it goes...

When did life's relationships become less black-and-white, and straight up?

I feel like it's always a constant in between..... You have good, happy relationships, and relationships that are toxic to your mind, and well being. You have supportive friends, honest, bold faced, trustworthy friends....

You come across people that are bad influences, depressive, and dishonest.

 

I used to be able to decipher the difference.... I knew who was bad and who was good, but anymore I feel like a huge majority of people you get the two for one special. I have been battling this past year about "true friends" the ones that support me and my life and happiness....

the ones that are my friend regardless of being friends with my ex.... instead of "pretending" to be my friend to my face.... but the second he comes around..... they don't like me or "we don't hang out anymore" ???  My decisions I make in my personal life should have nothing to do with how our friendship works? I could care less if people are friend with my ex! I think it's fantastic if everyone likes everyone! Or my favorite..... (because social media rules our lives these days) when you follow other people on line just to snoop into their life but every post they make you have a rude comment about.... why are you wasting your time and following them being their friend..... stop acting like a frienemies nobody likes it done to themselves... .stop doing it to other people.  

 

It's disheartening, really, when you are stuck in a confusing situation of deep down knowing who your "true friends" are.... and most days you have no clue. I am constantly coming face to face with this..... I figure I can wholeheartedly trust someone with a secret, or with my feelings.... and know that it will stay between us. And as you grow up they saying goes "you know who your friends are....."    hmmmm not really, no.  

 

13 years ago I could of told my childhood friend that we weren't suppost to sneak candy after the parents go to bed.... but we did it anyways.... and we pinky swore we wouldn't throw each other under the bus.... that secret got taken to the grave!!

Then you get to high school, with the mixed emotions of puberty, throw in the drama of boys, bad choices and rules.

You sneak out of the house to meet up with some older friends and boys.... You're parents find out....

Again, this time in life you pinky swear/ best friend handshake on it that you won't throw each other under the bus..... Except this time the scenario can go one of two ways....

1: You also, keep this secret to the grave. along with your afterhours junk food pack.

2: the other friend blames the other for something like "she made me do it"  "it wasn't my idea"

Now, as adults..... we tell each other secrets, or discuss our life's mysteries about men, and clothing trends... we discuss that we hate women that are "two faced" and "fake".... but just when all reality some scheme of things.... we are somewhat that same way as those women we have so much distaste for?

We have the .....

 "My husband/boyfriend/girlfriend is an asshole lately" talks....

 

"The- I really need to just talk about life, because its a mess.... "

   "The pregnancy scare what am I going to do with my life plans now.,,  ---- or "I am so excited after trying for months I'm pregnant" 

  "This friend is being a pain and I don't know how to handle it"

"I really am sick of work these days"

"The I was told in SECRET by this person so you have to PROMISE not to tell another soul (which the person who told you that secret made you promise this same thing.... which you are now breaking...)"

And for some reason or another you'll have 5 phone calls by the end of the week saying You're breaking up with your boyfriend?    .... You're pregnant?!!?...... You don't like this girl? I thought you were so close?!....     You quit your job?!..... ect....   (you get the point)

What happened to honesty, and trust in relationships- And I'm talking about relationships that you believe to be this way..... I'm not talking about those facebook frienemies again.... you expect this from women that you just mutually agree to be nice to each other in public so you put a happy face on.. (you shouldn't be telling them your life's problems anyways cuz you know they aren't trustworthy....so that's your own fault) .....   BUT The people that are your "safe place" .... you shouldn't be expecting this from them.... What happened to knowing deep down in your heart that you're friends with someone and they are your friend to your face..... and behind your back?

When did the majority of relationships become "half assed" ??

 

And, Im not going to be a hypocrite and say I have NEVER been this type of girl.... cuz I have.

Believe me. I used to be as fake as it could get. But now, going through what I've gone through in life, and having alot of heart to hearts with plenty of other people.... I have discovered who these friends are who they are not..... but I have also learned that it does nobody any good to let someone open your heart and share something with you just to go along and dishonor their trust.... its not okay.

 

Either you are a friend, or you're not. Straight up. No bull. No lies. You don't consider yourself to be "besties" with someone one day and then when a mutual friend asked oh I don't really like her/him.... and you agree with them just to save face.... or so you don't make yourself look bad.....  NOT OK. You're an awful friend.

 

Here is my oath as a friend to the men/women that I do choose to be friends with...regardless of how I have proven this to be true in the past. I am a safe place. I am honest, and trustworthy. I live by the childhood " treat others how you would like to be treated" mantra. I wouldn't want someone to spread things about me, nor tell a secret (that was specifically told to be kept that way) to someone else-  so I do the same respect for them.

 

It's common sense.... I just wish more people had it.

 

On the last note.... I am just glad that I know my safe place lays within my own home. With my boyfriend and son.  or with my parents in their home.  I love being able to know that my boyfriend and I have no secrets. We trust and love  each other to every extreme... We can talk about things that bother us, and things that have happened to us and never judge. Same for my parents, they never judge and truthfully give their opinion and support.So as I've gotten older, I have learned you know you your friends are..... and it supports the blood is thicker than water theory.  But take that with a grain of salt, I do have a couple of select friends that I know are behind me one hundred percent and I am so beyond grateful for those (few) girls I have in my life! But like I said, this post isn't about anyone in particular but just proving my point....  Because as we grow up we realize, its less important to have a lot of friends: And more important to have real ones.

The End.

 

Be good people.
Be honest. Be straight up. No lies.

 

 

xoxox,   Ky  

 

 

One of those days.

Everybody has those days,
those days that go amazing, perfectly normal, goes off without a hitch.
those days that go great and something small gives you a set back
those days that go good and then all of a sudden things are a mess
those days that just start and end bad and just wish you could of stayed in bed and slept thru it.

My days are mostly the same routine.....
Get up, get ready, I go to work,  go home, cook/clean,  go to bed....
Enjoy the 3 day weekends I get every week.
Especially enjoy the weeks that I have time with my little man.

I am incredibly blessed. I have it pretty darn good and should never complain.

It's just one of those days..... yesterday.... left me with another one of those not so swell days again today.

My biggest problem with all of this bad day having issue is that....  I shouldn't even let it bother me....

Its hard dealing with people you don't like. It's hard to try and be a bigger person and avoid confrontation at all costs but sometimes I feel like a portion of my life will always be a confrontation and a co-parenting nightmare. I feel like I'm stuck in the spiteful game of revenge these days.... anything that can be used against me..... will be always done so.

So my day started off great yesterday, I was happy and eager to get things done.
Until one simple question to my un willing-to-cooperate-  co parenter  threw my whole day into a sobbing, emotional mess. And to some people it may be the smallest of issue but to me.... it means a lot.

--- Long story short.... we have a list of things that was sorted through the divorce..... and now....
10 months later I am still battling for some sentimental things of mine....
We had written that we were to separate Konnors baby belongings 50/50 evenly- he'll take baby clothes--- blankets ect... that meant something to him or made by his family and I would do the same...
Well he went through it HIMSELF and gave me 3 blankets (only 3 blankets out of probably 20++ blankets) and NOTHING else pertaining to Konnor's baby-hood.
*yes I did go talk to a police officer and he told me that there was nothing he could do about it*
* also talked to my lawyer and he said that this would be a civil mater and have to go back to court if he is still refusing.... paying another 1000 for stuff that isn't even right to be fighting about is ridiculous...
So I Have asked  twice nicely.... and each time with the same response... NO
So my great grandma passed away 2 weeks ago and she had made a baby blanket for Konnor.... so I attempted to ask Ty again.... with again, the same response....

So, I am uncontrollably mad, and upset..... what kind of person withholds personal property (sentimental baby stuff- made by MY family) from a child's mother??  I'm not even asking for all of it. ... just half... when usually... men don't really care about those kinds of things anyways....
but I would never ever not give Ty or his family something back that was special to them and THEIR family.... its not mine to keep hostage of...

I am stuck with the fact of I obviously have only one option left.... and I really didn't want to have to use that option....

It's the worst thing ever to get divorced in the first place.... but continuing to have to play by their rules even when you just want them to disappear is just down right awful.

Me, being the emotional, person I am things effect me in big ways.
And nothing but sadness and a whole lot of hate filled my heart yesterday.... and still lingers with me today.....

But, after some venting (ie this blog- and crying it out to my amazing family and loving man) I came upon this quote.......  " Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.- Will Smith"
And he couldn't be MORE right.

The more time I spend wishing and hoping for this hard headed human to change.... the angrier I become-- knowing it most likely will never happen....
That becoming the better and bigger person will be easier on me, and my heart than being hateful-
Hating someone takes a lot of time and work and those people that you deflect your anger towards are never worth the effort anyways.

So--- Here is my advice to anybody going through a hard time, having a bad day or resenting your anger towards someone.....
Take a step back and ask yourself--- is this really worth my time and heartache???
Do you believe in Karma??? maybe so.... maybe it does exist and these people that give you heartache will get what they deserve back.... but if not.... don't lose sleep over it.
INSTEAD:

Simply,
Pray for them.
They are the ones that need it. - They are the ones that need to find forgiveness and love.
Pray for yourself. That your happiness will not be faltered by someone else's wrong doings.
Pray that you can forgive them as well and move on to bigger and better things that you deserve to have.


That being said,
One last thing.....

To those of you in my life,
regardless of you being my family, my closest friends, old friends and new friends...
I am very thankful that I do have some very good people in my life.
I am very lucky to have you.
If you have any helpful advice I'd be so happy to hear it!

So, if you're reading this.... thanks for letting me vent....
Or if you've already heard this story..... You know how much I love you anways....

But thanks for your love & friendship.

xoxox,

Ky

When someone else's happiness is your happiness....

When your frowns have turned into smiles, smiles turned into laughs, those laughs suddenly turn into kisses and before you know it days have turned into weeks and weeks into months and months. Suddenly, I've forgotten what life was like before he was mine.

Its been a while since I've made a post, and I just had the inkling of a feeling that my wonderful man of mine, doesn't get the credit he deserves. He is my rock, and holds me together each and every day.
I am all mushy and gushy and post pictures of us and how happy I am but that really doesn't make my point..... I am seriously, most certainly very blessed to have the relationship I do.

Life lessons came on hard and strong in a blazing ring of fire all at once for me this year.....
I learned to face my biggest fears of being the person I had been preventing myself from being for years. In denial of where I belonged and whom I belonged to. The decision was mine, and I took a leap of faith. It has been a long hard winding road from there to here but the ride has been worth while.

It's amazing at how much a difference one person can make. Being around people who bring you up and make you better is such a great feeling! Being in love, healthy and happy is amazing!
I make it sound like this is an experience I haven't had before, being in love I mean....
And, I have, I won't deny that, but this time around is completely 100% different. You know, I catch a bit of grief here and there about ohhhh its just the honeymoon stage things will fade, it will be all just like everything else....  No. certainly not the case here.

I truly have my best friend, and most amazing guy I could ask for. I am so very blessed to have him.
The past few months have been hell on my sanity, I feel like a crazy person sometimes and he just picks me up of the kitchen floor like everything will always be okay.
I feel like crumbling to pieces and end up sobbing over my toddler's meltdowns, after a hectic day at work or  even cuz of fights with the uncooperative co-parent I have in my life. When I wake up in the morning from a bad's night sleep angrier than a bear woke up from hibernation.....(and would probably scare the daylights out of anybody else).
  It doesn't matter the reason, he tells me things will okay, and I believe him. Every. Single. Time.

Things my Cody has taught me:

.1. That nobody is perfect, people make mistakes and we learn from them, us both being prime examples. We both now know what we want and most importantly what we don't. We've learned how to make adjustments and compromises when we need something different.

.2. That (love) its an equal partnership. Two people mutually equally being their for each others hopes, dreams, wants and needs.

.3. One person cannot be the constant giver while the other is a constant taker. Relationships require regular effort on both ends from both partners.

.4. If you cannot be who you are inside your relationship and you're constantly morphing into the expectations of other people (your parents, your spouse, your friends) -- you will end up resentful and most likely broken up/divorced.

.5. You cannot make someone else happy until you are happy with YOURSELF first. Its okay to be selfish and be happy just for the sake of yourself. Because when you are happy its much easier to make other people around you happy as well.

.6. Being happy and healthy, makes me much much more pleasant of a human being to be around.

.7.  Its really okay having someone want to be with me purely for the sake of being with me, not because he "has" to, or has to take care of our child, because he has to buy me a house or because he just it to scared to admit he's unhappy too.

.8. That its okay for us to do whatever the hell we feel like doing, we don't have to please anybody else, or care what any body thinks as long as we are happy together, that's what matters.

.09. Money..... is not the KEY to happiness..... You don't need to buy big fancy things all the time.... or go on expensive dates.... being a home, together cuddling watching Netflix with a cheap pizza.... Perfect.

.10. Spending time together, away from distractions keeps the flame intact. Constantly needing to be surrounded by groups of people and needing a "wing man" to entertain you on dates, or just because you can no longer sit and just BE together..... is a NO NO.

.11. It takes a great great man to love someone else's child as his own. And I am so very thankful he does! He's amazing :)

.12. To want someone in your life as much as he want's you in his, the feeling that you would do anything to hold each other together no matter the circumstances is the best feeling in the world.



That's only the start of it.... really, I could go on, and on.

But our time together the past month has been early in the morning and late at night thanks to harvest..... and I miss him so much! I just hope he realizes how truly blessed I feel to have him.
Because without him, I would be so lost.

I love you not only for who you are, but for who I am now that we are together.


xoxo,

Ky

Hey mom, you're doing your best.

Parenting is hard, but being a mom is the most rewarding experience a woman can be a part of. But sometimes, you just feel, ... like your best is still not good enough. A part of your heart just feels.... heavy.

That point where your 4 year old looks at you with that ***do you really want to tell me what to do look*** after you tell him: don't you dare dump that (who the hell knows exactly what is in that bottle) all over the carpet...... and swwooshh..... there it goes....

..... That isn't even the start of it....

There's pee in the toilet because he forgot to flush, there's marker on the wall.....

You have days where your kids think you are a monster for telling them no.... no.... no.... URRGHH ... NO.... all day....

Well let me tell you something..... it's worse.... when you're doing it, alone.

When you have no back up....  Dad.... to really lay down the law when your heart just goes soft from those looks your messy 4 going on 14 year old child gives you just after he ticks you the heck off.

For me, my experiences are something like, tantrums in the store because I am not spending 20 dollars on a pair sunglasses for them to be broken in 10 minutes, bed time routines that go haywire because he has to put his toys away and finally go to bed at 10 pm.... But my dad would buy them for me.... or my dad doesn't make me do this.
UGH That is the WORST. It's the most awful feeling knowing that your child will constantly compare the two living environments for the rest. of. his. life.

Or better yet, the throwing, hitting, kicking, screaming tantrums from time to time when shit really wants to hit the fan. And nothing in the world.... not even grandma.... can calm him down... and then the ringer of all phrases comes out..... "I don't like you "....

Heartbreak. Like instant tears that make me want to go lock myself in a closest and never come out because I feel so.... Heavy. Literal heart break. It is the worst feeling in the entire world to feel like you have failed the person you love more than anything in the entire world.

In the midst of a tantrum, I struggle, I worry that I may just of been selfish, that my happiness shouldn't of overlooked then happiness of my little boy. I try to talk myself into the fact that things would of just "worked itself out" if I would of just held on a little tighter..... That mommy and daddy should put aside their problems and be happy just for him things would of been okay. That my 4 year old wouldn't be throwing a tantrum if mommy and daddy lived together..... This is my biggest struggle.... and when I have my occasional sad times.. (I am human- I do have feelings).. This imaginary place where "maybe things weren't so bad" is where I head to. It's awfully unproductive. At times I lose sight of the fact that I felt worse then, than I do now, when I was there..... I still felt failure then, and I feel failure now. But then, I was the one unhappy and sad and crying and confused... Locking myself in a closet and not wanting to come out.... And now, here I am still doing that except for it hurts worse because it's not me that's hurting anymore. It's going to take some time to adjust, I keep getting told this over and over like a broken record. I know.

 

As a parent, that is my biggest fear, is for me to fail as a parent and for Konnor to grow up unhappy.

Finally, the part of me that finally has some common sense kicks in....and reminds myself...that's why we are where we are now. Tantrums are going to be thrown regardless of a child's parents living in the same house or not. That isn't what's making the difference. Snap out of it you're doing your best. You wanted to remove the negativity from his life, remove the depressed mom, and the fighting. You did that. He just needs time to adjust. And when it feels like all hell is breaking loose..... I just have to remind myself that it's just a minor moment... it will pass. It's just a little more tough on my emotions now, than it was before.

I don't know what tantrums other kids throw, or how other parents handle them... All I can say is no two people are the same. All I know is, that parenting is a battle. But it is the most rewarding thing on the planet. Kids will be kids, they will make a mess, they will get told no, they will get what they want, they will throw a fit when they don't. It's okay. It happens. Let them be, let them do. It will all be too soon when  the messes and tantrums will stop, and oddly enough, you'll miss them.

As a mom, I know the feeling all to well..... the proud overwhelming love you have when you look at your child and realize that they are the best thing that has ever happened to you. I know the fear of failure in all aspects of mother hood.... I know about that underappreciated feeling you get when you've been doing your best all damn day.... and just need the words "thank you for all that you do" to be said from your kids, and their father too. Trust me, I don't hear those words.... not then.... and most certainly not now.

 

So moms, never take it lightly that what you do every single day, makes a difference.

You are a BIG deal. You are superwoman and never even knew it.

So to the moms that go through the day, and have to stop and hide in the closet for a breather, here's to you. To the moms that work and feel like you're missing out on your kids. Here's to the moms that have "part time" with their babies, and miss them every second you spend without them. Here's to the moms and the dads that do it together, you guys don't know just how lucky you are.

 

From one proud, single mother..... to any other mother (single or not) out there....

You're loved, and appreciated.

Sometimes, it just needs to be said.

 

 

xoxxo,

Ky