Hey mom, you're doing your best.

Parenting is hard, but being a mom is the most rewarding experience a woman can be a part of. But sometimes, you just feel, ... like your best is still not good enough. A part of your heart just feels.... heavy.

That point where your 4 year old looks at you with that ***do you really want to tell me what to do look*** after you tell him: don't you dare dump that (who the hell knows exactly what is in that bottle) all over the carpet...... and swwooshh..... there it goes....

..... That isn't even the start of it....

There's pee in the toilet because he forgot to flush, there's marker on the wall.....

You have days where your kids think you are a monster for telling them no.... no.... no.... URRGHH ... NO.... all day....

Well let me tell you something..... it's worse.... when you're doing it, alone.

When you have no back up....  Dad.... to really lay down the law when your heart just goes soft from those looks your messy 4 going on 14 year old child gives you just after he ticks you the heck off.

For me, my experiences are something like, tantrums in the store because I am not spending 20 dollars on a pair sunglasses for them to be broken in 10 minutes, bed time routines that go haywire because he has to put his toys away and finally go to bed at 10 pm.... But my dad would buy them for me.... or my dad doesn't make me do this.
UGH That is the WORST. It's the most awful feeling knowing that your child will constantly compare the two living environments for the rest. of. his. life.

Or better yet, the throwing, hitting, kicking, screaming tantrums from time to time when shit really wants to hit the fan. And nothing in the world.... not even grandma.... can calm him down... and then the ringer of all phrases comes out..... "I don't like you "....

Heartbreak. Like instant tears that make me want to go lock myself in a closest and never come out because I feel so.... Heavy. Literal heart break. It is the worst feeling in the entire world to feel like you have failed the person you love more than anything in the entire world.

In the midst of a tantrum, I struggle, I worry that I may just of been selfish, that my happiness shouldn't of overlooked then happiness of my little boy. I try to talk myself into the fact that things would of just "worked itself out" if I would of just held on a little tighter..... That mommy and daddy should put aside their problems and be happy just for him things would of been okay. That my 4 year old wouldn't be throwing a tantrum if mommy and daddy lived together..... This is my biggest struggle.... and when I have my occasional sad times.. (I am human- I do have feelings).. This imaginary place where "maybe things weren't so bad" is where I head to. It's awfully unproductive. At times I lose sight of the fact that I felt worse then, than I do now, when I was there..... I still felt failure then, and I feel failure now. But then, I was the one unhappy and sad and crying and confused... Locking myself in a closet and not wanting to come out.... And now, here I am still doing that except for it hurts worse because it's not me that's hurting anymore. It's going to take some time to adjust, I keep getting told this over and over like a broken record. I know.

 

As a parent, that is my biggest fear, is for me to fail as a parent and for Konnor to grow up unhappy.

Finally, the part of me that finally has some common sense kicks in....and reminds myself...that's why we are where we are now. Tantrums are going to be thrown regardless of a child's parents living in the same house or not. That isn't what's making the difference. Snap out of it you're doing your best. You wanted to remove the negativity from his life, remove the depressed mom, and the fighting. You did that. He just needs time to adjust. And when it feels like all hell is breaking loose..... I just have to remind myself that it's just a minor moment... it will pass. It's just a little more tough on my emotions now, than it was before.

I don't know what tantrums other kids throw, or how other parents handle them... All I can say is no two people are the same. All I know is, that parenting is a battle. But it is the most rewarding thing on the planet. Kids will be kids, they will make a mess, they will get told no, they will get what they want, they will throw a fit when they don't. It's okay. It happens. Let them be, let them do. It will all be too soon when  the messes and tantrums will stop, and oddly enough, you'll miss them.

As a mom, I know the feeling all to well..... the proud overwhelming love you have when you look at your child and realize that they are the best thing that has ever happened to you. I know the fear of failure in all aspects of mother hood.... I know about that underappreciated feeling you get when you've been doing your best all damn day.... and just need the words "thank you for all that you do" to be said from your kids, and their father too. Trust me, I don't hear those words.... not then.... and most certainly not now.

 

So moms, never take it lightly that what you do every single day, makes a difference.

You are a BIG deal. You are superwoman and never even knew it.

So to the moms that go through the day, and have to stop and hide in the closet for a breather, here's to you. To the moms that work and feel like you're missing out on your kids. Here's to the moms that have "part time" with their babies, and miss them every second you spend without them. Here's to the moms and the dads that do it together, you guys don't know just how lucky you are.

 

From one proud, single mother..... to any other mother (single or not) out there....

You're loved, and appreciated.

Sometimes, it just needs to be said.

 

 

xoxxo,

Ky