All is fair in love and war....... but what happens when it's your love that becomes the war. The thing with that sort of war, there is no winner when all has been lost.
Now, I am not one that likes to just put her personal life on blast but in this case, I have alot of people who like to talk, and assume they know everything, I live in a small town that everyone likes to make other people's business their business...So for those that like to think they know it all, think again. But this will be a healing and learning experience for me, so for those who are offering friendship and support, I'll take all I can get. For those who are just nosy.... go kick rocks:)
I went to sacrament meeting today for the first time in over a year. The topic? Eternal mothers and family values/the meaning of ones home. A specific part of the talk that has stuck out in my head all day, "The best thing a mother can do, is to love her child's father." Instant grief overwhelmed me- I felt as if she was speaking directly to me. I felt like a failure. I love Konnor's father, but just as that, Konnor's father. I was thankful for him in the sense that without him, I would not have Konnor in the first place. As for Ty himself, the person I've known and loved the past 5 years had become a complete stranger to me. We both walked amongst each other on autopilot ignoring each others wants and needs. I had gotten to the point where I wasn't sure I even knew myself, I was a zombie on autopilot- Angry, bitter and depressed and I no longer loved the man that I was supposed to have as my life partner. I felt like a FAILURE and it HURT.
Among all the other people sitting in the church chapel taking in this talk, I let myself cry. As I sat a little longer and let it sink in, and tried to stop wallowing in my self pity, I realized, I wasn't the only failure in my scenario. I realized that not only should the mother love the father, but the father should also love the mother. I may feel like a failure because I gave up on the fight and walked away from the person that was causing me so much sadness and hatred but he also basically held the door for me as I walked away. Neither one of us gave a fighting chance to save our marriage and when we threw in the towel neither of us looked back.
What happened to love the one you're with? To forever & always, till death do us part? Its all gone just like that, like it was EASY to walk away..... WHY??
I battle this almost daily, wondering what went so completely wrong.....
We just STOPPED. We stopped laughing, caring, and loving. Stopped fighting for each other, stopped trying to bring each other up. A friend once told me that you should always forgive, and always serve one another: put the one you love first, and he shall return the favor. There was the first mistake- we were just two selfish people hoping that the other one could just KNOW what the other wanted all the time. FAILURE. We let the common distractions of life get the best of us, they became bigger than our life together. Were those issues fixable? ABSOLUTELY. Did we choose to fix those things? Nope. Forgiveness is a virtue and we both didn't know how to forgive. We liked to play the "blame game" You did this, you did that. But we never took responsibility for our own mistakes. We lessened the value of our relationship. We didn't respect each other, we took more than we gave until the "love bank" eventually ran out. Pride got in our way, and in my opinion pride is the root of all evil, and our pride ruined us. We would rather serve ourselves first, and we became broken beyond repair.
So when I say, love the one you're with, I mean it. Do it, and do it wholeheartedly. Give into each other, serve each other, laugh, play, enjoy and love each other equally together. Never take more than you give. Just someone, take the advice I couldn't take myself. Because being together, in love, is far better than being broken.
I'm done wallowing in self pity and grief, I am looking at this experience to better myself. I am going to be happy myself before I can expect to be happy with someone else. I am going to be selfish, because now, I have the ability to be selfish without overlooking my spouses needs. I am starting a journey to find happiness, and to love the person I'm with...... even if that person, is ME.
Always,
Ky
